my depression isn’t a demon, she isn’t an enemy

i find solace in my sadness

she’s been around for years, and she’s never left me

unlike you, and you, and you

she’s where i find comfort, even if her hands are skin and bone

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you say you want to know the thoughts going through my head

but honestly feel like running instead

sitting here texting you looking at this blade

i feel like im dozing, feelin kind of hazy

i know i haven’t been myself lately

this really hard for me to write

my demons in me fight

i’ve been thinking mad hard about picking up a knife

nothing feels right

just want to take my life

heart break, scars and blood shot eyes

feelin like self medicating i don’t know why

so please don’t ask , i really hate that question

i don’t mean to keep you guessing

but it’s really hard to explain

sometimes i don’t even know why i’m going insane

don’t feel like i belong

maybe you’ll see a new side of me in this song

my soul feels weak

my mind feels numb

got my finger on this gun

should i pull the trigger or run

this ain’t no fun

my demons have won

i don’t do this so i hope it made sense

i’m kind of on the fence

i don’t know what else to say so i guess i’ll end it here

even if i had shed a few tears

i’m fucked up and i miss you

i lay awake and think of you

remember that time i drove your grandpas car? we didn’t actually get that far

it’s been months since i’ve seen you

so why does it feel like you’re still in my rear view

i miss looking over in the passenger seat

my hand on your thigh, the world in my eyes

some may say that a heartbreak is an aesthetic

but with how many times i let you tear me down i just feel pathetic

pathetically in love with you

pathetically devoted to you

i wonder if you miss me as much as i miss you

i know my heart still beats for you

can you hear it from miles away?

that’s where i need you to stay

with one touch of your poison hands

i will be in a trance

even though i know it always ends in tragedy

i am tired

i am sad

i miss you even more now

i hope the next person you’re with loves all of your flaws like i did

even when they felt like claws, tearing me away

the claws that dug so deep i still have scars

i hope the next person you’re with doesn’t make you angry

that’s a fire no one can put out, i tried and only got burned

i hope the next person you’re with knows their worth

and does NOT let you take that from them

i hope they don’t get blinded by the way you say their name

particularly with those three words on the end

if your claws get deep into their back,

they can feel it in their bones

i hope they push them back out and say NO MORE

i really hope the next person you’re with gets treated better than i did

and this may be messed up, maybe it’s just

your roots are grown in me

i secretly wish they don’t make you forget me

I have scars that run so deep they cut through my bone.

You can only see a few, you can’t see them all.

You can never tell me that I haven’t lived through trauma, I’m too young to know the feeling of gasping for my last breath when I’m drowning.

Only I’m not physically drowning. I’m not in the ocean, with the waves crashing against my body. I’m not on a lazy river with the water flowing over me.

My own head is drowning me.

My own thoughts- my brain.

I can’t think.

I can’t feel anything but pain.

They’re suffocating me and I can not breathe.

I just want to be able to breathe.

I don’t want to think about going straight into traffic everytime I drive.

I don’t want to think about jumping off every bridge I see.

I don’t want to think about climbing to the highest building in my city and

That’s the moment I can actually breathe.

My thoughts are quiet and my feet are on the ledge.

I don’t feel the pain of my scars.

I don’t feel the pain of suffocating in my own mind.

It’s the calm before the storm.

Would it be painless if I just..

Leap?

i want you to love me on the days that i need help getting out of bed because i literally don’t have the energy to move and when all i can do is cry and i can’t tell you what you can do for me because there is nothing you can do for me when my demons have over taken every last bit of my mind

i want you to love me on the days i need you to give me a bath because i don’t have the energy to stand in the shower for 10 minutes

i want you to love me on the days that i sit in my room, dark and no sunlight coming in because i can’t bare the warmth

i want you to love me on these days just like you would love me on the days where i’m dancing around the house in my underwear

love me on these days like you would on the days that i get up before you to make you breakfast and coffee

love me on these days

i wonder if you saw me walking on the street, would you recognize me?

would you recognize the eyes of the person who talked you back from the edge when you were at your lowest?

or have you just gone and forgotten about me

have you forgotten about the long nights we stayed up until the sun was shining through our windows

what about all the times i said your name and your face lit up? or was that all a lie?

i know i will never forget the way my name sounded coming from your lips

i’ll never forget going to the bathroom not barely through a 12 hour work shift and sobbing because i heard you were in an accident

i didn’t know how bad

i didn’t know if you were alive

all i could do was sit and wait

and i swear to you

those were the longest heart wrenching moments of my life

i remember your favourite songs

i remember what time you ate dinner every night

i remember the smallest things

i sit here and wonder

do you remember me too?

or am i just something that has disappeared in your rearview mirror?

you were just passing through me.

i was just a quick stop for you,

while you were

you were

the greatest home i ever had