Tag: Depression

you say you want to know the thoughts going through my head

but honestly feel like running instead

sitting here texting you looking at this blade

i feel like im dozing, feelin kind of hazy

i know i haven’t been myself lately

this really hard for me to write

my demons in me fight

i’ve been thinking mad hard about picking up a knife

nothing feels right

just want to take my life

heart break, scars and blood shot eyes

feelin like self medicating i don’t know why

so please don’t ask , i really hate that question

i don’t mean to keep you guessing

but it’s really hard to explain

sometimes i don’t even know why i’m going insane

don’t feel like i belong

maybe you’ll see a new side of me in this song

my soul feels weak

my mind feels numb

got my finger on this gun

should i pull the trigger or run

this ain’t no fun

my demons have won

i don’t do this so i hope it made sense

i’m kind of on the fence

i don’t know what else to say so i guess i’ll end it here

even if i had shed a few tears

I have scars that run so deep they cut through my bone.

You can only see a few, you can’t see them all.

You can never tell me that I haven’t lived through trauma, I’m too young to know the feeling of gasping for my last breath when I’m drowning.

Only I’m not physically drowning. I’m not in the ocean, with the waves crashing against my body. I’m not on a lazy river with the water flowing over me.

My own head is drowning me.

My own thoughts- my brain.

I can’t think.

I can’t feel anything but pain.

They’re suffocating me and I can not breathe.

I just want to be able to breathe.

I don’t want to think about going straight into traffic everytime I drive.

I don’t want to think about jumping off every bridge I see.

I don’t want to think about climbing to the highest building in my city and

That’s the moment I can actually breathe.

My thoughts are quiet and my feet are on the ledge.

I don’t feel the pain of my scars.

I don’t feel the pain of suffocating in my own mind.

It’s the calm before the storm.

Would it be painless if I just..

Leap?

i want you to love me on the days that i need help getting out of bed because i literally don’t have the energy to move and when all i can do is cry and i can’t tell you what you can do for me because there is nothing you can do for me when my demons have over taken every last bit of my mind

i want you to love me on the days i need you to give me a bath because i don’t have the energy to stand in the shower for 10 minutes

i want you to love me on the days that i sit in my room, dark and no sunlight coming in because i can’t bare the warmth

i want you to love me on these days just like you would love me on the days where i’m dancing around the house in my underwear

love me on these days like you would on the days that i get up before you to make you breakfast and coffee

love me on these days

she makes me feel foggy and i can’t focus

i can’t focus on the simplest things like

my breathing

everything feels out of control

i thought she was done with me

giving me back to our mutual friend

which is my solace

i don’t know how to feel that i find solace in her

the madness

the loneliness

this impulses

this is where it ends

this is where it begins

i feel alive on the edge of her feet

she’ll keep me safe

she’ll keep me free

but she won’t keep me

she’ll soon give me back to the darkness

have you met my best friend mania?

she’s a real party sometimes.

she’s possessive, and only she can make me feel alive.

she fixes what’s broken, but she also makes me broken.

don’t tell mania i said that though because then her claws will dig in deeper to my bones.

her raspy voice beckoning me to follow,

and i don’t know why but i go where she goes.

maybe it’s that when she’s with me i don’t have to think about my other dear friend, should i even say her name?

i wonder if she gets jealous of the way mania makes me feel?

i think she does because after mania leaves she pulls me in close with her lanky body and tells me never to leave her again.